I attempted suicide, now what?

Three weeks ago I attempted to end my life by taking a bunch of pain killers. I had woke up that morning having decided that this was to be the day that I died. I had been thinking about suicide for some time, but this day was different. I was no longer thinking about it. I was doing it.

After swallowing the pills I sat at my desk waiting for something to happen. I didn’t know what to expect. A lightening bolt did not come out of the sky to zap me for doing what I had done. I waited a few minutes more. Still nothing. “Hmph”, I thought. I sat there for a few minutes. After waiting for what seemed to be an eternity, I decided to tell my wife what I had done and maybe she should take me to the hospital.

It had been thirteen years since I had last been admitted to hospital. In that thirteen years I had managed to wean myself off the medication I had been taking. I was living what would be called “symptom-free”. Whatever it was, it was thirteen years of being off medication. When I was discharged I swore to myself I would never come back.

Now I was going back.

I have worked in mental health for over thirty years. My mother had a long history of admissions to the hospital. I had seen all sides of the mental health system, the good, the bad and the ugly.

I ended up staying in the hospital overnight, in an assessment unit. I was sent home with an appointment with the outpatient clinic the following week. I decided to leave as I didn’t think spending anytime on the ward would do me any good. Was I still thinking about suicide? Yep. Did I want to make another attempt? Not really. Did I feel great? Absolutely not.

In the three weeks leading up to where I am now; I have been to the outpatient clinic three times. I have been given a combination of medications that seem to be working. I have been off work and I have been attempting to figure out why I wanted die.

I could offer a number of theories as to why I wanted to die but they would be just theories. I may never have the answer. The one thing I do know is that I wanted my pain to end.

Suicide has been in the news recently with the deaths by suicide of some famous folks over the past couple of weeks. The press along with several others have been asking the why question a lot. We do that a lot. Ask why. Unfortunately we don’t ever get the answer we want as the only person that could answer the question can’t.

Instead of asking “why?”, maybe we might want to ask, “What now?” That’s where I am now. What do I do now? I didn’t die, so now I live? Exactly how do I do that? I suppose I will have to see how things work out. Wish me luck.