It has been a year since I tried to kill myself
It has been over a year since I attempted to end my life by suicide. Typing those words make me stop and think. One year. Three hundred and sixty-five days. Eight thousand, seven hundred and sixty hours.
You get the point.
A significant amount of time has passed since I attempted and what have I learned in that time?
I have learned that life goes on after an attempt. The world doesn’t stop because I wanted to die.
I have discovered that I still have thoughts about suicide. I am not distressed by that. The challenge for me is to keep those thoughts in check and not act on them.
I have learned that taking medication isn’t enough.
I had been off psych-meds for twelve years before my attempt. My goal was to not take medication again. Well, so much for that goal. When I started taking an anti-depressant again, I felt defeated. It was hard for me to request an anti-depressant. But I requested it. Medication is a tool not the solution. It may help keep a lid on my feelings and thoughts, but it won’t give me any solutions to what my issues are.
I have learned that there are no quick fixes. No matter what any of the current self improvement salespeople might say. There are no magical rules, no five step plans and there are not any “secrets” to unlock . If someone tells you there is a sure-fire way to success, happiness and prosperity, they are trying to sell you something.
I have learned that the more I thought about what led me to make an attempt, the more confused I get. I overthink things. A lot. Sometimes there aren’t any answers to why shit happens. Shit happens and it passes. Nothing lasts forever.
I have learned that I had to let go.
Letting go was hard. I hang on to things. I hang on to what people say to me. I hang on to what people do. I hang on to what people don’t do. I will hang on to everything and mull it over, again and again and again. I create all sorts of stories. I often write the end of a story before the story is over. I can become an anxious mess.
Of the things that I have learned, the most important is, to not to take myself too seriously. It is hard for me to relax. There are times I fell like I am running a sprint in my head. I get going one hundred miles an hour and I jump from one thing to an other. I am like a duck moving across the water. Everything looks calm on the surface, but I am paddling like hell below the waterline.
The past year has had its challenges and successes.
I am still here and I plan to be here for a while.
Sometimes it is one big step after another big step.
Sometimes it one baby step after another baby step.
Sometimes it doesn’t feel like I am moving at all.
And that’s OK.
